Today we’re talking about a difficult subject: things you should never say to a woman who had a miscarriage. Watching your friend go through such a staggering loss is heartbreaking. We all want to say and do exactly the right thing to take away her pain as much as possible. Sometimes, though, what we think are well-meaning words deepen her pain. While every woman deals with grief in different ways, these are typically the things you should never say to a woman who had a miscarriage if you want to avoid hurting her feelings or making her feel worse.
Things You Should Never Say to a Woman Who Had a Miscarriage
It happened for a reason:
She doesn’t need you to help her figure out why this happened. Chances are good that she has spent countless hours (and tears) trying to do that herself. Just tell her you are sorry and give her a hug. Don’t try and justify it for her. Besides, it doesn’t matter WHY it happened, only that it did. Loss is a loss, regardless of the reason behind it.
At least you can get pregnant:
Yes, the getting pregnant is not the hard part. Her body is working against her once she is pregnant and miscarries the fertilized egg. Can you imagine how horrible that must feel? To know your body is physically rejecting something you want so badly, human life? Just refrain from this phrase altogether.
At least you miscarried early in your pregnancy:
Early, middle, late it does not matter when the miscarriage happens, it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with just because it happened ‘early’. My friend was recently pregnant, she has been trying for a very long time and suffered a miscarriage back in January as well. She didn’t want to say anything, but she was super excited. Then she found out she lost it; she was six weeks pregnant. It is never easy.
In time, you will forget:
Just don’t. Try, for one second, to put yourself in her shoes. You find out you are pregnant, the joy, the excitement. And then you know you lost the baby. Do you think that is something you think you could forget? Or would you even want to? I know you are trying to comfort your friend, but suggesting she will forget her unborn child is just, well, for lack of a better word, ignorant.
I’m sure you’ll get pregnant again right away:
You do not know her medical history. You do not know how long they have tried to conceive (even if you are great friends, many women keep this info to themselves, because it is painful when they are unsuccessful). She may have been told that her chances of getting pregnant are less than 1%. Maybe she and her partner have put everything they have saved into IVF treatments, and now there is no money left to keep trying. I understand you are only attempting to help, but you do not know the nitty gritty, nor do you need to. Just be a good friend, hug her and let her cry.
Just be compassionate. Do not try and offer advice to her, she gets enough from other friends and family, she doesn’t need anymore. What she likely needs is someone just to listen to her, and maybe take her out for coffee. Other than saying “I’m sorry, I’m here for you”, there isn’t much you should say to her.
I really hated when my MIL told me, “It wasn’t even a grain of life yet.”
This was great. It is always hard to know what to say and what not to say. Thank you!
This is always so hard for me. I never know what to say. Thanks for the tips!
Thanks for pointing this out….People can be so insensitive sometimes!!
I can’t even begin to imagine that some people could be so stupid for saying stuff like that!
I’ve had three early miscarriages and even though I’ve gone through it, I’ll never tell another women I know how she feels, because I don’t. Every women deals with it differently and we just need to be there for each other.
This is really good to know because I do have a hard time figuring out what to say when this happens to someone. Thanks for pointing this out.
This is great, people can be so insensitive sometimes. It is better to just comfort if you can not find the right words.
Thanks for this. I can’t believe how tacky some people can be in this situation.
When we’re trying to comfort a friend, sometimes you can’t help but say things you wish you didn’t. All in the name of making them feel better. Normally I just let them talk and I just sit there and listen. I’m such an awkward person when it comes to these things.